But now I will heal and mend them. I will make them whole and bless them with an abundance of peace and security.” — Jeremiah 33:6
To be very honest, I am breaking cold sweat as I’m typing out my story. I have never shared this side of my story publicly but keeping silent about His goodness and love does not sit well with me. So, even as you read this, can you pray for me and pray for us, to be brave to walk through this tough experience? This may trigger some emotions that hit too close to home for some. Let’s be strong and be courageous, for He is with us, even as you are reading this.
Thank you, for choosing to be here for me through reading this and I believe, you too will receive His healings and deliverance, for nothing is ever a coincidence.
I was brought up in a strict, pastoral family. For those who are not familiar with this environment, it is just like any regular loving family but all of us are only humans are capable of making mistakes. Cooking up fear hurts and unhealthy expectations in a big pot and we all can imagine what we are “eating” daily.
Due to my father is a Pastor, high expectations are being placed on my family, I guess in my world, we are expected to be like the perfect walking bible family, which is impossible. The constant pressure has made me a “YES” girl to everything, I do not know how to differentiate between “good girl” and wise lady. I do not know when is the right time to say no.
Good Girl Rebekah
I did not say no when I was bullied because a good girl does not cause trouble. A good girl does not report what is wrong because it seems like I am harming others. I did not say no to sexual harassment because if I’m a good girl, why would bad things happen to me? Like a good girl, again I should not cause chaos by reporting the incidents. Being good girls means a lot to me because I only yearn to be accepted and to make my family proud.
I hate rejection.
Yet, “good girl” feels so wrong that it eats me up inside daily. I would cut and hurt myself when people were displeased with me. Physical pain became a pleasure to numb emotional pain. The accuser, our mortal enemy, satan then slowly isolates me in my shame and pain. The enemy lied,
“If God loves me, why is this happening to me?”
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. – Genesis 50:20
Becoming Brave Rebekah
Time rolls by and finally at the 25th year of my life, I’m finally asking God to help me to overcome my fear of saying no which is fearing men. This time, I want to be SET FREE completely.
I remember this clear as day. I was completely devastated by an incident of fearing men so much so it is causing me to become sick. I brave up and open up to a sister and this sister in Christ suggested we have a prayer altar and ask for God’s revelation.
As she was praying, I saw my whole life’s story unfolded as God led me to revisit memories that were buried. It was extremely painful, but His love touches every part of my brokenness. At every turn, He was there waiting to turn all the bad things into good.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose – Romans 8:28
It was NOT my fault. It wasn’t God’s fault either. It is just humans making damaging choices, the enemy named me according to those pain and now God redeemed every of this pain and name it
Looking back I now understand, opening up is the first step to allow God to move. If you are in isolation today, dear brothers and sisters please talk to a trusted godly friend. Let these small steps free you first.
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. – James 5:16
Fear God, Love Men
God revealed to me choosing to fear and please men are a form of disobedience to God because His love leads us to follow and fear Him, not men. We are called to love men, not fear, and worship their approvals. Approval from men does not fill in the void in our soul only God can satisfy.
With this, although it was painful, I chose to trust God to walk me in this healing, I am not running away from my insecurities and struggles anymore. I am facing rejection, old stories, a distorted truth, and possible wrong perspective HEAD ON.
I want to be set free and I pray the same for you. That you too will choose to heal and be free from your shackles, only our good God can provide.
All these experiences have grown my family stronger than ever. I witness God’s love through my family as they chose humility by owning up to their mistakes and choose to help each other to heal. We are closed more than ever when we face all these hard turns together by asking for God’s involvement at every turn. I thank God for my family, my friends, and such a strong community I have in KAOG!!
Thank You, Jesus!!
Hi I am Rebekah Siah. Currently studying in UKM, completing my degree on Master of Arts in Post Colonial literature. Rebekah is a freelance writer for Christian magazine, Asian Beacon and editorial assistant for Truancy Magazine. Our Reb is also part of worship team in KAOG, occasionally chasing her little sheeps in The Remnant connect group along with Sara.